You have new test results available.

May 10, 2021

I have been planning a basement remodel for months now. I love home DIY projects. This one is bigger than my usual plans, so I have hired out for some of it. But part of my contribution, was prepping, cleaning, cutting, staining some beautiful barn wood for the walls. This was a very tedious process. But it's May, the weather is good, I can work outside, let's do this. The wood turned out beautiful. It was time to stain it with a concoction of putting fine steel wool into vinegar. Crazy how awesome it worked. And super fabulous how cheap it was. It's the day after Mother's Day. My contractor is coming next week to start on the basement. Sunny, 76 degree day. I need to get these boards stained.

Vibration on my watch. You have new test results available. Holy crap. The doctor said 3-4 business days. I wasn't expecting results this soon. What? What do I do? I need to stain these boards. But there's test results to see. I'm standing in my back yard having a mental discussion of should I stain boards or look at biopsy results. I'll just peek at them.

Lymph node, left supraclavicular. Lymph node with Follicular Lymphoma

Google Follicular Lymphoma. The only words I read in whatever popped up was "non Hodgkin lymphoma." I know what non Hodgkin is associated with. It's cancer. I have cancer. I have fucking cancer. My face is hot. My stomach is immediately nauseated. I text Bill. "It's cancer." My brain is spinning. I truly can't comprehend this. Maybe I misread it. I have to stain boards. I can't look at this. I need to stain boards. Big tears. Big sobbing. Can't stop. Somewhat almost gasping for air. I have cancer. Bill texts back, "Seriously?" I said, “All I saw was Follicular Lymphoma, I googled it, took a screen shot and sent to you. I'm going to finish staining the boards. Hindsight, why did I insist to myself I had to finish the stupid boards?

Screen shot sent to Bill.

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Evan, my 17 year old, only child that's still at home, stopped in the back yard after school to say hi before he went to his job. I was full on crying, sobbing, can't breathe mess. "Mom, what's wrong?"

I gave him a hug. Wow, this is powerful, I haven't revisited this time since it happened. The tears are flowing. "Ev, the test came back. It's not good. It's bad. It's so bad." He held the hug. I think he was holding me up too. "Mom, it will be ok. I promise you it will be ok. Do you want me to stay home with you?" No, I'm sorry I told you this right now. Terrible timing. My God I just told my child I have cancer, and now he's going to work. Why did I do that.

I finished staining the stupid barn wood. I have cancer. I can't do this. Some of the hardest crying I've done in my life. This is acutally happening. I'm at home by myself. Processing this test result. This can't be real. It's real. I just can't.

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The start of the staining project